Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Thumbs Down: People that Wear Those Animal Toques


When you're over the age of 5 and still trying to pull this shit off, it just makes me want to crawl back to that S.Jonze Where the Wild Things Are hole and fetus-hug myself in the neurosis known as YOUR FUCKING HAT.

Thumbs Down (Nostalgia Edition): That Dude I Had to Meet When We Put On a NYE Party

Dude in a local band,

Lookit: when I'm playing nice and asking what you are filling your days with, it's just small talk, in that "I don't really give two shits what your answer is but hey, I'm here" kinda way.

But when you answer that you are super in-tune with human behaviour and that you spend alot of time trying to understand why people act the way they do, the only thing I can think of is "get me the fuck outta here." So, just play along next time and save me the hocus pocus, barista.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thumbs Down: Rain Record

Kyouei Design's Rain Record "endlessly plays rain sounds and the sound of rain drops."

For USD$39, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thumbs Down: B, C List Actor Lookalikes

Dude that works in my office building,

Didn't mean to stare, but you really do look like a really tan Eric Roberts, and it's kind of like watching a car accident.

(This goes for you too, white dude that looks like Lawrence Fishburne. What are the odds?)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Thumbs Down (Nostalgia Edition): He Man and She Ra Christmas Special

He Man and She Ra Christmas Special,

I don't remember you being quite so gay. Oh, wait: yes I do.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Thumbs Down: Flash Forward

Oh, Flash Forward,

After a promising pilot, a ton of hype about how you could be the show to keep me sane until February, and having one of the few male Asian characters that don't speak ching chong, you are seriously harshing my buzz.

First off, I do not care about the domestic problems of Other Fiennes and Penny from Lost. To be totally honest, I barely care about Penny from Lost at all, and this cannot be a good thing because SHE IS OUR CONSTANT AND YOU HAVE FUCKED THAT UP. The only part about the shit you are trying to pull with Mister and Missus Fake American Accent that is working out is their creepy kid that keeps pulling out showstoppers at the end of episodes.

I do not care about that lesbian forensic technology expert, because all she seems to do is make asshole comments about shit she found online, building what is basically a crazy government social network. How does it make sense that half of your leads come from a gov't run Facebook? I care even less about her baby mama issues, but will admit that I'm fine with it because it's the only sign of character development that you seem to be interested in.

The only other hint of character complexity came from the other young FBI agent that threw his sorry, guilty ass off the roof (thus ending that character development with pavement), and the doctor who has some new found Asian fetish that I simply cannot care about (bring that Japanese girl back, though, unless you intend showing me her flashforward another fifty million times).

I'm even fine with weak characters so long as it serves the larger plot, but half the shit you've given us is nonsensical. I gave you leeway on Other Fiennes going to Germany to meet Dr. Mengele and finding that giant creepy Somalian radio tower (which, btw, is not even close to the 4 Toed Statue, the biggest unknown muthafucka up in this house). But when Other Fiennes suggested it would be super crazy easy to find a Persian in Hong Kong (which, btw, is not supposed to resemble a shitty ass Chinatown set with a HK Island skyline backdrop), because how many Persians can there be in Hong Kong? (answer: a lot, dumbass scriptwriters)? Bejeezus.

You've got until March to re-tool the Frankenstein beast you've unleashed on us. More importantly, you've got until then to make me care about you, even though I will honestly just be watching PVR'ed Lost episodes and wondering what the hell Betty Draper is going to do in Reno. Pick up the slack.

Thumbs Down: SOCAN

Lemme tells ya, SOCAN be a muthafuckin' bitch.

For those of you ain't in the know, SOCAN is a quasi-government entity that monitors copyright issues in Canada, much like ASCAP does in the States. SOCAN are the folks that ensure that, for every three or four Beyonce and Rihanna songs you hear on the radio, you get to hear Kardinal at least once (or "Summer of 69" a million times). Since the advent of MP3s and CD burners, SOCAN has been shitting its drawers like a lactose intolerant person at a fondue party, particularly as it takes much of its marching orders from the industry. Yes, that same industry that rappers all over bitch and bemoan as "the game."

There's practical effects of SOCAN. That levy you pay on blank CDs/DVDs is due to SOCAN. For the most part, fine: we get taxed to death as it is, and one more levy hasn't caused the people to revolt. I also don't mind if a couple of local bands get a $1.99 in royalty cheques from airplay on college radio, though it's entirely obvious that SOCAN has done shit all for the MSTRKRFTs of the nation in terms of mainstream radio or television play. But ask your average musician - not the Hovas or Weezys - and you'll find out that royalties on album sales means nothing relative to touring income and publishing income on ad play (what cracks new artists more than iTunes commercials?).

SOCAN just ain't for the indie artist. It ain't for any artist, period. It's for industry. When SOCAN starts going after buskers at transit stations, that's proof in the pudding. Swing that big dick, SOCAN, but stop pretending you're helping the average Canadian musician get ahead in this world and own the fuck up.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thumbs Down: Whoever wrote this Globe headline

To whoever wrote this lazy ass Globe headline,

"Peking bitter as the Chinese share the yummy yummy duck and plum sauce" not good enough?

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thumbs Down: New Moon

Holy, that was awful.

Which, I suppose, was kinda the point: your average thinking person does not show up to Twilight in search for philosophy, poignancy, or provocation. The whole theatre shows up to erupt in laughter every time the werewolf kid takes his shirt off, because that's the raison d'etre for the whole thing.

This point, however, has seemingly escaped a gazillion ladies who live, breathe and die Twilight, in a weirdly obsessive way that had previously been reserved for boy groups. For the most part, this is totally acceptable and tolerable for the young, but when older folk enter the foray of crazy, then some questions have to be asked.

Ashley R, if you're worried about how devastated your daughter be about People's overlook of Mopeface Killah for Sexiest Man Alive, then you will have infinitely larger problems when your daughter announces her plans to buy a bunch of cardigans and shack up with a million cats a short few years from now. Megan, I can't even begin to state how fucked you are.

And Mopeface Killah, talking under your breath and acting with a stick up your ass for two hours ain't gonna win you that Johnny Depp Award. At least your little girlfriend knew enough to listen to the Runaways.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Thumbs Down: Harry Rosen

Harry Rosen,

You've apparently used this image of the PM in your Christmas promo material because yr CEO Jr. means to"celebrate the Canadian political landscape", and not as an endorsement or a slag on our current King Canada.

If what you really intended was to remind us how MOR our fair nation is (and, correspondingly, your store), or if you somehow forgot that any press, good or bad, for a politician is predominantly a good thing for that particular shill, fair enough. Otherwise, I'm shopping at Holt's.

Black Friday Shopping Reminders

With less than 2 days remaining until the big post Thanksgiving shopping season kickoff known as Black Friday, let's try to remember a few things this year:

1) Be Thankful - It's easy to get caught up in the consumerism that has become the Thanksgiving holiday. Perhaps worry less about getting the cheapest deal on a LED TV and be thankful that you can't count your kid's ribs.

2) Spend Wisely - In a year of continued economic turmoil, bankruptcies, foreclosures, and layoffs, let's remember that what got us into this mess was our inability to spend and manage our use of credit wisely.

3) Be Patient - Anybody remember the people getting trampled, injured, and killed at Walmart stores in 2008? Let's not do that again.

Otherwise, have fun, be safe, and enjoy the holiday shopping!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Thumbs Down (Nostalgia Edition): that Girl Who is Getting Fucked By a Douchebag

Girl that was in my Immigrant Lit class almost ten years ago that looked like Molly Ringwald with a snaggletooth,

I know it's a bit late, but when you're telling us in class that your boyfriend is all 'post-modern' because his thought patterns are non-linear, that's just a dumb-ass way of acknowledging that you're dating an idiot that can't finish complete thoughts. Would've warned you, but you seemed all in love and shit.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Thumbs Down: Elizabeth Lambert


You got caught on video pulling an opponent by her ponytail down to the pitch, among other things worthy of yellow, red, white, blue, rainbow cards. In the grand scheme of professional soccer, probably not unheard of. But playing the gender card? Just fucking own it already.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Thumbs Down: Lady that Just Won't Shut Up at the Dinner Demo

Lady that brought her vegetarian son, who apparently eats bacon and poultry,

When we shelled out to have a nice dinner cooked by Pino Posteraro at a dinner demonstration, I expect a certain amount of respect, shock and awe for the chef, like Chinese moms do when friggin' Lang Lang does a piano recital or gay dudes with Lady Gaga.

When dude talks about how Heston Blumenthal invited him to do a sous vide demo, I don't want to hear about how you've never seen induction cookers before. When dude talks about how he cooked the first carnivorous meal that Michael Stipe has had in 25 years, I do NOT want to hear how fussy your vegetarian son is about what he eats (I have no idea how bacon fits into vegetarianism, but kudos, lady's son, for convincing your mom that your fussiness is some noble achievement). When you see a plate full of food that most people can only afford once a year, if even that, I expect you to gorge yourself and SHUT THE FUCK UP. Thanks.

Thumbs Down: China, sigh.

Bejeezus, China:

I try. I try to defend you, give you a fair shake, explain to people that it's just growing pains. For a billion people to suddenly propel from extreme poverty to co-signing the world's economy in a couple of decades gave you a sharp learning curve, sure. But there's a few things that won't excuse.

Like your treatment of Lou Jing, a mixed race girl born and bred in Shanghai, who has never lived outside of the country, and who has never thought of herself as anything other than Chinese. She joins what I'm assuming to be a nationally aired talent show named, of all things, Go! Oriental Angel, makes it through to the top 30, and the nation goes nuts in beating her down. To the point where Jing actually said "If you beat me to death, I wouldn't take part in that competition again." All the ching-chong jokes your Asian brethren have to endure on this side of the water don't excuse that in the least.

If you're going to have us accept you as our economic overlords, this ain't the way to go. Have you seen that awful V remake? Even the aliens knew to lure us with sugar, pixie-cut hot leader and all. Help a brother out and tone down the crazy for awhile. Lord knows you ain't making it easy.

Friday, November 13, 2009

All Thumbs UP: Reverend Ron

Reverend Ron, RIP.

Thumbs Down: Main Street, Vancouver

Main Street,

When the local paper runs a shopping guide titled "Why my Main Street is a Temple-Priestess Experience," your days are OVER.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Thumbs Down: the Absolut Vancouver contest...and critics thereof


I don't mind much that you're The Corporation and spreading your dirty, dirty, deliciously alcoholic money on some Vancouver arts sponsorship. When the people we vote can't see the value in facilitating at least some level of arts funding, then someone's got to step up.

In fact, I've got a real problem with people like this dude from the Belkin bitching and moaning about how all that shimmering, glowing, clear as hell with no hangover money is a huge marketing exercise looking to corrupt the youth artists of today. As Mr. Watson puts it, "If you don't have places where young artists can try something out without there being a market pressure, sooner or later you won't have an art culture in your area," but if you don't have places where young artists CAN FIGURE THAT SHIT OUT AND EXPLOIT THE HELL OUT OF IT then we've got bigger problems, because then we've basically got a bunch of nitwits that end up in performance art, or a community that has no faith in the young whatsosever.

However, what's up with the five finalists? The last thing the world needs is another goddamn architect trying to peddle some mobile art gallery shit, because that day ended with the mobile Chanel exhibit and does not need retreading where I walk my dog. I can't even begin to tell you how unworkable glass structures out in Cracktown would be, or how amazingly lazy that one entry is where the guy is basically proposing to take pictures of all other artwork in town (if that's what you want, there's a slew of Japanese tourists that can facilitate it for no money whatsoever). That leaves us with a fucked up cartoon guy and a freebie art show. Guess who I'm voting for?

Thumbs Down: Globe and Mail

Hey, G&M!

Let's put it like this: we know the print age is dying and you're no exception. Symptomatic of that is the fact that I read your content online now, instead of messing with ink stains on my grubby hands. But are things so dire that you've foregone any sort of quality control?

Today's story on the disappearance of a fellow Canadian in Hong Kong is a case in point. She's vanished from HK and been missing for a year, and things are (were) all abuzz o'er in the colony because people do NOT go missing there (well, at least not non-Chinese people). So I'll give you leeway on telling us that psychics have been weighing in with their two cents.

But when you start drawing parallels to crime fiction Nine Dragons, that's when the wheels stumble off this rickshaw. If that's any legit comparison, I also hear that there are elaborate death matches staged annually by this old guy with makeshift Wolverine claws, because Enter the Dragon told me so, and Bruce Lee ain't lying to no one.

So, G&M, step the game up a fucking notch, because the last thing I want to read is the National Post.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Thumbs Down: Blogger nonsense


When I visit, it sure seems to me like that URL is up for grabs. But you're telling me it ain't when I wanted to claim it. Thanks: I guess I'll just be known as a cranky motherfucker in perpetuity.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Thumbs Down: Whoever painted this

To the Artist,
This creepy Big-Eyed Britney ruffle ass shit is worth a thousand words, all bad.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Thumbs Down: Weezer's Raditude


When you choose album cover art like this, you are raising expectations PLENTY HIGH. I would've loved this record if I hadn't discovered fucking or acne medication, but here we are.

All Thumbs Down: Katy Perry, Host of the 2009 MTV Europe Awards

Holy shit, Katy Perry,

Just cut that mugging shit out. You may look an awful lot like Zooey Deschanel, but you ain't, largely because she knows how to deliver a punchline. I know MTV Europe's even more scatterfucked than regular MTV, and the people seemingly even more nonsensical and intolerable, but you've gone way over the fucking top on this one. I hated MTV before, I hate MTV Europe even more now.

Thumbs Down: The Vancouver "Contemporary" Correspondent for Holt Renfrew

Weird young lady that looks like old Heather Locklear on a plastic surgery jag, which doesn't make much sense considering you're at least a few decades younger than how you look,

I can't cop to being a huge fashion maven, but I did see your bit on Urban Rush, a show in which is a topic unto itself, and: really?

I get that Holt, ye ol' grand dame of Canadian fine-living, wants to spend some of that hard earned cash on updating its image and re-assuring the rest of us that, yes, the children are the future (particularly those with money to burn). But I want that glitz a la Blair Waldorf, or at least a fucking Olson twin, and not some girl that can't even pronounce Sevigny correctly.

I'm the last person on Earth that should comment on whether the layered look is in or not (seems like it is every winter season, which seems shockingly practical), but even I can tell when shit is thrown together haphazardly, and your styling job basically looks as though the young contempo department threw up on the models (and, to be honest, that dude in the motorcycle jacket looks like he should be in some Adam Lambert gangbang fantasy). It doesn't help that you didn't even take the pricetag off the bowtie in that Britboy look you slapped together.

If this whole contemporary correspondent experiment is just some marketing exercise of an aging company with demographics to conquer, than I suppose I shouldn't care (the fact that I'm even writing about this is probably a sign that the stunt is working). The ol' brass must be thrilled that they have this blog thing on their website (the Youtube embed must really be blowing their minds), like that grandma on Arrested Development was thrilled she adopted a little Korean boy that lived in the walls. But jeezus: can you at least pretend to care when you're flogging the thing on tv? Because, unless you do, I can't be bothered to either.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

All Thumbs Down: Archinect Cooper Union blogger

Oh, you adorable little grad student,

In your Archinect blog post on Crocs, you wrote:

"Oh yeah, Crocs! Lately, I have been super interested (almost obsessed) with Crocs. I started talking about them in Prof. Turnbull’s seminar class and have been using them as a window of interpretation into our culture and how they relate to our floor surfaces and spaces."

This happened, I suppose, because you are a douchebag. If design will save us all, who will save us from the designers? I'm thinking mass suicide - pass the kool-aid.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Thumbs Down: Vancouver View magazine, Nov/Dec 09 issue

Vancouver View,

I'm a bit reluctant to give you the full thumbs down, because, quite honestly, it's not like I expect a lot from you. Basically, someone drops off a million free copies of your magazine at our building, we laugh at the C/D list celebrity you put on the cover, and if we pick it up accidentally, it goes into recycling. Giving you the thumbs down is like making fun of the disadvantaged.

But for the current issue, you've put famed chef Daniel Boulud on the cover, so this glutton has got to check it out. And I actually got somewhat excited to see that your writer had a face-to-face interview with the man.

To read what was basically a cut and paste job from the DB Bistro/Lumiere press release, though, was more than disappointing. Locally-sourced product, we're-not-the-old-Lumiere disclaimers, I-love-this-town pat answers: I could've read that on the DB website. Not a lot of people get to meet Boulud in person, and you've let that opportunity go to waste. I'm half-guessing that you ran the piece just to get comps at the restaurant, especially considering Boulud arrived in town more than a year ago and is hardly new news.

The rest of the magazine is just as pitiful. Your story on Vancouver's "Hollywood North" can basically be summed up in a couple of premises: (i) weak Canadian dollar good, (ii) tax incentives good, (iii) the magic of Vancouver is its peoples, by gum!

Dumbing columns down beyond the standard Maxim sidebar is one thing, but making them utterly boring is another. It's to be expected, I guess, when your music picks for the next couple months are Josh Groban and Il Divo. You could've saved the thing by at least making it look nice, but it looks like your main fashion spread was shot on a cellphone (and not in a good way).

So, I don't feel bad about giving you the thumbs down. It's not like picking on a fat kid, it's like picking on rich fat kids that are rubbing their (published) indifference in my face, particularly while slimmer, better, prettier magazines fail (RIP, Gourmet!). Stick with the local almost-celebs so I can continue ignoring you in peace.

Thumbs Down: Me, for not watching Mad Men

Am I the only one that hasn't seen a single episode of this show?

Also: I should probably schedule in an episode of the Sopranos and the Wire while I'm at it. Sad, but true.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

All Thumbs Down: the Marketing Dept. that made Charlie Brown rap

Oh, ABC:

I was trying to keep my mouth shut about your rapping Charlie Brown promo for It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, 'cause if that sort of shit brings in a whole new generation to the Shrine of Schulz, the ends must justify the means.

But others have started to pipe up. Who am I kidding? I don't give two shits about this generation's tv consumption, or at least not as much as I care about you skull-fucking my most precious of childhood memories.

Do your research next year and just license the Kid Koala track already:

Friday, October 30, 2009

Thumbs Down: the Old Dudes at the Society Opening


You know how when you're 18, at the clubs, and you notice there's that one weird old dude drinking at the bar, or however that Chris Rock bit goes?

Now, I'm all for staying connected to one's youth, so long as there's some sense of decorum about it. I'm certainly not saying that one has to stay under house arrest after hitting 40. But the last thing I want to see when I go out is some old dude, balding ungracefully, decked out in a tight turtleneck and blazer (y'know, that 70's ala Ice Storm kinda look), hitting on girls that I could have conceivably fathered, and doing that weird old dude dance which is basically just a lot of uncomfortable hip swaying.

Sure, there's a lot of gals that could be into that, particularly in Yaletown and when a lot of disposable income is involved (this is not a critique of the restaurant itself, btw, which seemed nice enough other than being super claustrophobic; I really couldn't get to the food because that would've involved bodily contact with you ol' lads) - some poor bastard is going to have to foot that Chanel clutch sugardaddy bill. But, hey: we're going for quality, not quantity, right?

Even if you're intent on that hunt, lemme tell you: (i) house music is not your friend, (ii) the waitress is not interested (insisting on feeling her abs because you're really interested in her workout regiment is not a mastermind strategy), and (iii) you cannot pull it off. If you're going to let the dollar bill do the talking, at least sit the fuck down and flaunt it with style. Have you not watched those Dos Equis commercials? Burn that shit up with a cigar, and not with awkward staring and groping!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thumbs Down, Begrudgingly: Top Chef, Natalie Portman edition

Oh, Top Chef. I really hate to do this, but:

As if we didn't suffer enough through the Zooey Deschanel gluten-free vegetarian episode of Top Chef Masters, you bring us yet another painful vegetarian episode of Top Chef. I'm all for little indie waifs as much as the next guy, but to have Natalie Portman and her friends put what is arguably the most talented top four/five chefs in any one season of Top Chef through the worst concept of Punk'd ever - forcing each to cook meatless meals in the carnivore's wet dream known as Craftsteak Las Vegas - and to compound it by having Portman actually sit at the judge's table, just seems bananas.

Let's face it: Padma's enough eye candy for a whole season worth of television. To have her reduced to a giggling girly laughfest at dinner over a bunch of blowjob jokes is not an added strength (that burger commercial was enough for anyone). Perhaps that is why everyone was too distracted to send Robin, who seems to be the most whatev character of any season, coasting by on the half-baked idea that good enough is all one needs to succeed, home. Mike Isabella might not have executed those roasted leeks to anything pleasantly edible, but he at least had an idea, as opposed to Robin's ramshackle clusterfuck of produce, which half of you admitted was too salty to eat as well.

It pains me to have to say this, but thumbs down, Top Chef, thumbs down. Just as I was getting over the fact you let fucking Hosea win last season, too.

Thumbs Down: the U2 show

U2 - Bono, the Edge, Larry, Adam, if I may,

I can hear your show. From our place. That is over 10 blocks away. Through a rainstorm and city traffic. With the windows closed. Through our exterior walls.

Thumbs Down: Das Racist's response to the SFJ hip hop treatise

Das Racist,

Without getting into what I think of your music, let's tackle your response to Sasha Frere Jones' column on the state of hip hop.

Granted, it's probably unnecessary for any writing to signal the death knell of hip hop, much in the same way that it was unnecessary for any amount of ink to be spilled on the death of rock and roll. Because, let's face it, neither are going anywhere anytime soon. (I don't, however, recall any similar treatment of country music; is there a lack of race politics to be discussed there?) So if your main beef against SFJ's column went to its existence alone, that'd be something entirely different.

Also, thank you for acknowledging that publishing your response for Flavorwire was simply, as you put it, a "good publicity look" for your group. Because, quite simply, I don't think I would have ever heard of your group or your music otherwise. Chalk that fault up to my own; I don't follow the inner workings of Brooklyn.

However, your critique of a critique just falls deaf on these ears. From what I can tell, you're working heavy on applying what crit theory you've come across to basically say that SFJ, as a white journalist, probably doesn't have the credibility to opine on hip hop, presumably because the genre finds its sui generis from African-American culture (though your mixed bag its-the-peoples'-music-now explanation seems to claim the genre as, quintessentially, world music in its current form, devoid of an emphasis on any particular race as much as it encompasses all race)(thanks for name dropping all the permutations, btw: it's crucial for me to know that you acknowledge the influence of bhangra and reggaeton, though apparently not crucial for you to acknowledge that SFJ's comments were likely directed at American hip hop as Hot 97 would know it)(also, your examples seem to emphasize hip hop as music for the disenfranchised, though you then shrug off any bling-bling criticisms as a "party line" for "old (often white) journalists").

Or, on the other hand, you're bringing up that much-loved artist response to any genre criticism, whatsoever: the idea that these crazy genre labels were the critics' doing, or marketing, or whatev (thereby ignoring the sheer economics that exists, shock of shocks, in art as well). In the sense that any periodization or sweeping genre comments that SFJ may have must fail, because the idea of grouping art forms into genres itself must fail. Thank god you've spared us the whole writing-about-music-dancing-about-architecture bullshit.

(That point you don't trounce on as much, because much of the wordcount then explores how SFJ's barometer on the current state of hip hop is an inaccurate reading because what 'new' elements he points to existed in hip hop before. Yes, thank you for bringing up Kraftwerk. Thank you also for bringing up the fact that hip hop does work in a club. Thank you for negating the fact that most people that read SFJ would already have done time in Hip Hop 101 before. Then you hand the reins over to some haiku dude, because clever is clever, and disdainfully shrugging the argument off is the best passive/aggressive pose, whatsoever.)

What your response failed to do for me, then, is to defend hip hop in any real way whatsoever. Simply stating that white ain't right doesn't do the job. Passing off standard bling disses and upping the cred of rapping over another rapper's beats doesn't do it either (btw, all those hip hop skits really are of a lesser quality, not sure who you're kidding). Without copping the grad student attitude, just tell me: what is it about hip hop that still makes it crucial, now?

I'm not saying it isn't. And, despite your pointing out that SFJ only had one hip hop album in his best of 2008, his new list for the best of 2009, which has a host of hip hop singles/albums, in the globalized format that you push included, doesn't seem to either. But you haven't aided in clearing up any confusion that SFJ's column may have given rise to...the most confusing aspect being why SFJ would consider your response to be a "serious read" at all.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Thumbs down: Main characters yelling everything on kids TV show

I'm gonna have a Dora the Explorer effigy-burnin' party soon. In front of my kids. Why Dora and "friends" have to keep yellin' everything they say, I don't know. But kids are like sponges, and now they gotta keep yellin' at me and everybody else. Maybe it's a conspiracy by the companies that make headache medicine to keep her on TV and drum up some more business.

And if I have to hear "Where are we going?" followed by hand claps one more time, I'm going to be screaming in Spanish MY desired destination for Dora. In front of my kids. That'll learn them for watching the show.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Thumbs Down: Coco Avant Chanel

To Coco,

I hate the French bourgeoisie too! Thanks for confirming it.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

All Thumbs Down: Dinner Impossible

Robert Irvine and Dinner Impossible,

To be fair, I came in midway through an episode wherein you tried to cater a party at some elaborate candy shop - the first episode I have tried to finish to the end, instead of merely changing the channel.

What I saw was a host of culinary catastrophes: tempura-ed chocolate bars, macaroni and cheese with (I think) candy corn, some sort of risotto with chocolate, sunflower seeds and improbably frozen scallops... a nightmare for diabetics and people with any sense of taste, alike.

It's the sort of thing that makes me really question how Food Network finds its stars, where the niche market for most of its shows has seemed to migrate from gastronomic enthusiasts to frat boy douche-bags that really just want to see a lot of meat being bbq'ed. The fact that Guy Fieri is now the all around Food Network wonderboy makes sense if the network seems wrecklessly ambitious in turning the channel into some post-apocalyptic nightmare.

In any case, I'm assuming that the mere fact that your team could cook for that many people makes you more qualified to judge matters of food with better acuity than I, but if you think that sogginess is your biggest problem with tempura battered chocolate bars, then sir, you are plainly fucked.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thumbs Down: Lady that Gave Me the Stink Eye While I Was Picking Up After My Dog


It happens. Just like some poor bastard will have to pick up after your proverbial shit someday.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Thumbs Down: the RIP Kanye trending topic

Kanye RIP trending topic,

If you found your initial birth in the wake of Kanye and Spike Jonze's video/short for "We Were Once a Fairytale," then you grew up to be one miserable, racist son of a bitch.

Now, I ain't no Media Assasin, but this disturbing trend seems to have no end in sight. The two tweets I found above took all of 10 seconds of sifting; Harry Allen's findings from weeks past unearth a trove of racist ugliness.

As Allen puts it:

"Will hip-hop vocalist / producer Kanye West, as one blogger has insightfully observed, become the next African-American male to live his public existence as a symbol of the race divide’s vitriol? Will he become a scapegoat for white obsessions over the threat Blackness purportedly represents?

"The virtual flood of racist, expletive-laden tweets that followed the artist’s brief rant at last night’s MTV Video Music Awards suggest a strong 'Yes.'"

This new trending topic seems to confirm Allen's point. Is Kanye dead? Don't believe the hype...but that little gnome that lives in his stomach might be.

Thumbs Down: Pim Techamuanvivit


There seems to be a whole host of reasons why you should get the thumbs down, from blowing all sorts of bullshit chunks at David Chang to writing what seems to be the bastion of foodie jokes (apparently Ruhlman might have a thing or two to say 'bout that too).

But, honest to gawd, you might not believe this, I ain't ever spent two seconds on your blog before today, so I ain't gonna judge (I will, however, hold my reservations). Tweeting, however, doesn't seem like your thing. Your brand of rubbing-it-in doesn't bring it in full effect with only 140. Thumbs down? Not for now, but we'll be watching.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Thumbs Down: Hope Sandoval (and reviews thereof)

Ms. Lumber,

In your Ion magazine review of Hope Sandoval's new album, Through the Blah Blah Blah (issue 60; not sure where that would place said issue in this time/space continuum), I get your point that you don't like the album that much. Bored of it, in fact. Fine - it ain't the best.

But that point of yours about telling me about your uncle working for Warner and getting free albums, I don't get. In fact, I don't care. Subjective is fine; pointless story-telling ain't. Thumbs down!

With that said:

Ms. Sandoval,

I don't get wtf is with you and performing. You go away for umpteen years, you might expect that you've got some eager people in all cities waiting to see you return (including, for whatever reason, Mr. SFJ, whose tweets are above). Didn't pay $X to see you throw your impish fit.

Unless, of course, that was the point. In which case, in terms of sheer entertainment, I still didn't like it. More thumbs down!

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Thumbs Down: the Wildrose Alliance Party


I might be calling this wrong. If you just created two shades of the same conservative grey, a thumbs down in your direction. If this is a wonderful Rhino Party prank, then an obvious thumbs up.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Thumbs Down: Where the Wild Things Are reviews

To the critics that Rotten Tomatoes feeds off of:

Damn you! I want(ed) to believe! 68% my ass.

Thumbs Down? Boy Stuck in a Floating Balloon

To the 6 year old boy who is stuck floating in a balloon over Denver,

Well, I can't give you a thumbs down at all. In fact, you are ALL THUMBS UP.

However, to the parents that constructed the balloon and didn't think to PREVENT YOUR KID FROM TAKING OFF INTO THE AIR (and over fucking Denver of all places), for shame.

UPDATE: 6 year old kid? TOTAL THUMBS UP!

All Thumbs Down: the Guy that Thinks We Need to Meet in the Morning

To the guy that thinks we need to have a morning meeting at his office:

We don't. It's called "conference call." Join us in, uh, the post-Alexander Graham Bell age.

Thumbs Down: Lady Sitting Behind Us at Grizzly Bear

Lady sitting behind us at the Grizzly Bear show:

I loved listening to you ramble on about how you love honesty and how your thoughts have never been so creative. I even loved hearing you list the ten bands you listen to over and over again, and noticed that I too enjoyed those bands when I was 18. I particularly enjoyed listening to the dude beside you assure you that at least 5 of those bands were his favorite (I am sure you two will make a spectacular couple).

However, I love listening to Grizzly Bear sing more. Even more than your own rendition of their songs. Which you felt compelled to share with us during the show. You know that saying, "better than the real McCoy?" Well, that wasn't it. Next time you intend to attend the same show, gimme a holler, so I can STAY THE FUCK HOME.