Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Thumbs Down: People that Wear Those Animal Toques


When you're over the age of 5 and still trying to pull this shit off, it just makes me want to crawl back to that S.Jonze Where the Wild Things Are hole and fetus-hug myself in the neurosis known as YOUR FUCKING HAT.

Thumbs Down (Nostalgia Edition): That Dude I Had to Meet When We Put On a NYE Party

Dude in a local band,

Lookit: when I'm playing nice and asking what you are filling your days with, it's just small talk, in that "I don't really give two shits what your answer is but hey, I'm here" kinda way.

But when you answer that you are super in-tune with human behaviour and that you spend alot of time trying to understand why people act the way they do, the only thing I can think of is "get me the fuck outta here." So, just play along next time and save me the hocus pocus, barista.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Thumbs Down: Rain Record

Kyouei Design's Rain Record "endlessly plays rain sounds and the sound of rain drops."

For USD$39, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Thumbs Down: B, C List Actor Lookalikes

Dude that works in my office building,

Didn't mean to stare, but you really do look like a really tan Eric Roberts, and it's kind of like watching a car accident.

(This goes for you too, white dude that looks like Lawrence Fishburne. What are the odds?)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Thumbs Down (Nostalgia Edition): He Man and She Ra Christmas Special

He Man and She Ra Christmas Special,

I don't remember you being quite so gay. Oh, wait: yes I do.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Thumbs Down: Flash Forward

Oh, Flash Forward,

After a promising pilot, a ton of hype about how you could be the show to keep me sane until February, and having one of the few male Asian characters that don't speak ching chong, you are seriously harshing my buzz.

First off, I do not care about the domestic problems of Other Fiennes and Penny from Lost. To be totally honest, I barely care about Penny from Lost at all, and this cannot be a good thing because SHE IS OUR CONSTANT AND YOU HAVE FUCKED THAT UP. The only part about the shit you are trying to pull with Mister and Missus Fake American Accent that is working out is their creepy kid that keeps pulling out showstoppers at the end of episodes.

I do not care about that lesbian forensic technology expert, because all she seems to do is make asshole comments about shit she found online, building what is basically a crazy government social network. How does it make sense that half of your leads come from a gov't run Facebook? I care even less about her baby mama issues, but will admit that I'm fine with it because it's the only sign of character development that you seem to be interested in.

The only other hint of character complexity came from the other young FBI agent that threw his sorry, guilty ass off the roof (thus ending that character development with pavement), and the doctor who has some new found Asian fetish that I simply cannot care about (bring that Japanese girl back, though, unless you intend showing me her flashforward another fifty million times).

I'm even fine with weak characters so long as it serves the larger plot, but half the shit you've given us is nonsensical. I gave you leeway on Other Fiennes going to Germany to meet Dr. Mengele and finding that giant creepy Somalian radio tower (which, btw, is not even close to the 4 Toed Statue, the biggest unknown muthafucka up in this house). But when Other Fiennes suggested it would be super crazy easy to find a Persian in Hong Kong (which, btw, is not supposed to resemble a shitty ass Chinatown set with a HK Island skyline backdrop), because how many Persians can there be in Hong Kong? (answer: a lot, dumbass scriptwriters)? Bejeezus.

You've got until March to re-tool the Frankenstein beast you've unleashed on us. More importantly, you've got until then to make me care about you, even though I will honestly just be watching PVR'ed Lost episodes and wondering what the hell Betty Draper is going to do in Reno. Pick up the slack.

Thumbs Down: SOCAN

Lemme tells ya, SOCAN be a muthafuckin' bitch.

For those of you ain't in the know, SOCAN is a quasi-government entity that monitors copyright issues in Canada, much like ASCAP does in the States. SOCAN are the folks that ensure that, for every three or four Beyonce and Rihanna songs you hear on the radio, you get to hear Kardinal at least once (or "Summer of 69" a million times). Since the advent of MP3s and CD burners, SOCAN has been shitting its drawers like a lactose intolerant person at a fondue party, particularly as it takes much of its marching orders from the industry. Yes, that same industry that rappers all over bitch and bemoan as "the game."

There's practical effects of SOCAN. That levy you pay on blank CDs/DVDs is due to SOCAN. For the most part, fine: we get taxed to death as it is, and one more levy hasn't caused the people to revolt. I also don't mind if a couple of local bands get a $1.99 in royalty cheques from airplay on college radio, though it's entirely obvious that SOCAN has done shit all for the MSTRKRFTs of the nation in terms of mainstream radio or television play. But ask your average musician - not the Hovas or Weezys - and you'll find out that royalties on album sales means nothing relative to touring income and publishing income on ad play (what cracks new artists more than iTunes commercials?).

SOCAN just ain't for the indie artist. It ain't for any artist, period. It's for industry. When SOCAN starts going after buskers at transit stations, that's proof in the pudding. Swing that big dick, SOCAN, but stop pretending you're helping the average Canadian musician get ahead in this world and own the fuck up.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thumbs Down: Whoever wrote this Globe headline

To whoever wrote this lazy ass Globe headline,

"Peking bitter as the Chinese share the yummy yummy duck and plum sauce" not good enough?